


To Blow or To Be Blown

by risingfire17, StarlingChild4



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: All The Ships, COVID-19, Coronavirus, Crack, Drunk Texting, F/M, Group chat, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I swear I was sober when I wrote this, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Mythology References, Orgy, Poor Canada (Hetalia), Poor Germany (Hetalia), Protective Siblings, References to Ancient Greek Religion & Lore, Russia has a drinking problem, Why Did I Write This?, World Meeting (Hetalia), because Japan's porn stash, protect Italy at all costs, social distancing, tentacle rape reference
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:08:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25156756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/risingfire17/pseuds/risingfire17, https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarlingChild4/pseuds/StarlingChild4
Summary: The world leaders call a safe, responsible, socially distanced emergency group chat meeting to form a plan to thwart COVID...they don't talk about COVID....Posted also on ff.net, under StarlingChild4
Relationships: America/France (Hetalia), Austria/Hungary (Hetalia), Belarus/Russia (Hetalia), England/France (Hetalia), France/Greece (Hetalia), Liechtenstein & Switzerland (Hetalia)
Kudos: 29





	To Blow or To Be Blown

**Author's Note:**

> *Warning: THIS FIC IS CRACK!!! It can fry your brain and lead to possession charges! Read at your own risk!!!
> 
> This fic was born from a desire to create the purest of crack...because what crack could be more pure than Hetalia and whatever the hell Covid-19 did to 2020?
> 
> Please check tags for possible CW

**New Chatroom: World Leader COVID Response Meeting**

**France:** I mean, all I’m saying is, if we’re going to die, why not just go out with a _bang_?

**America:** Bang? Like, blowing people up? I’m in!

**France:** No, like, we’re gonna _blow_ them! ;--)

**England:** o.O 

**England:** O.o 

**England:** O.O

 **England:** D:<

**Italy:** Why would blowing on people do anything???

**Germany:** DON’T YOU DARE ANSWER ITALY, YOU DEVIANTS!!!!

**Italy:** ?

**England:** I second Germany

  
  
 **America:** …. 

**France:** ;--)

**Canada:** I don’t mind getting blown on....

**America:** DUDE FRANCE WTF

 **America:** That is SO GROSS!!!

 **America:** Like even if we DID do that -- do NOT say anything, England! -- you’ll be too busy ...blowing everyone and where does that leave me?!?!?

**France:** …

**England:** ….

**Germany:** O.O

**America:** Dude, that’s soooooooo emasculating! 

**England:** [insert The Princess Bride gif: “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”]

**France:** XDD

  
  
 **Germany:** >.<

  
  
 **Italy:** ???

  
 **  
****Germany:** Never mind, Italy 

**America:** GUYS

 **America:** I’M THE HERO, HELLO????

  
  
 **France:** Awww, little Yankee thinks he’s so tough. He should channel that in the boudoir ;--)

  
  
 **England:** WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK ?!?!?!

**France:** [insert “ohhohohohohohoho” laughing anime gif]

**America:** Dude, I can take you on ANY time!!!

  
  
 **England:** >.> Please stop… 

**France:** Suuuuuure, by all means, dominate me <3 

**England:** HEY!

 **England:** I’M supposed to be your dom!!!!  
  
 **England:** ……. Shit

  
 **France:** O.O

  
  
 **America:** ...

  
  
 **Germany:** ...

  
  
 **Italy:** ….

  
  
 **Japan:** ///>.<///

**Italy:** Hey I know what dom means!

**Italy:** It’s like when Germany dominates me!

**Romano has entered the chatroom**

**Romano:** WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO MY BROTHER FUCKFACE?!?!?!

**Germany:** HE’S REFERRING TO OUR TRAINING EXERCISES NOTHING MORE

  
 **  
****France:** Ooooooohhh kinky

  
  
 **Japan:** What kind of training do you speak of? Shall I join in next time?

**Romano:** DJUKYDFGLIHGYDFGLKHDRFGHJKDSFGHJKDXFCGHJKLHFDGHJK

  
  
 **France:** Oh please, by all means, invite us alllll~~~ <3 

**England:** SHUT UP EVERYONE

  
  
 **America:** Excuse me, but weren’t we supposed to be figuring out how I am to play in this?

  
**Germany:** PRIORITIES, AMERICA

  
  
 **America:** I AM PRIORITIZING

  
  
 **England:** YOU’VE NEVER PRIORITIZED ANYTHING RIGHT IN YOUR LIFE

  
  
 **America:** EXCUSE YOU?!?!?

  
  
 **France:** America has a point. WHO raised him? 

**Greece:** [insert popcorn gif]

  
  
 **Germany:** Who invited you?!

  
  
 **Greece:** I like the orgy idea

  
  
 **England:** LISTEN YOU OLIVE OIL FUCKFACE

  
**Italy:** Hey! D:

  
 **  
****England:** I READ YOU’RE STUPID FUCKING FANFICTION ABOUT YOUR COUNTRY  
  
 **England:** ZEUS IS THE BOTTOM OF THE BARREL OF LICENTIOUS RUBBISH  
  
 **England:** I STILL HAVE NOT RECOVERED  
  
 **England:** SO  
  
 **England:** MANY  
  
 **England:** NIGHTMARES  
 **  
****England:** FUCKING SWANS

  
  
 **France:** Ah, you stupid English prude, you are simply not creative enough  
  
 **France:** No wonder your women always leave you

  
  
 **America:** OH SNAP!!! XD

  
 **  
****Germany:** >_<

  
  
 **Italy:** o.O  
  
 **Italy:** The women always like me…? Gosh, England, do you need pointers?

  
  
 **England:** FUCK YOU ALL

  
  
 **France:** Only if you insist ;---)

 **  
****Greece:** I’m down

  
  
 **America:** WAIT I STILL HAVEN’T CONSENTED!!!

  
 **Japan:** Ummm is there a Western ritual that takes place before said… um activities…?

  
 **  
****Germany:** OH FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK

  
  
 **Italy:** *gasp* Germany swore! :OOOO

  
  
 **Germany:** STAY DOWN, ITALY!!!

 **Germany:** LET ME HANDLE THIS

  
  
 **France:** Aww, what a sweet Daddy <3

  
  
**Germany:**

  
**  
****England:**...

  
 **  
****America:**...

  
 **  
****Japan:**...

  
 **  
****Italy:** Germany’s not my papa

  
  
 **Romano:** ……….

**France:** Oh shit, little Romano’s about to blow 

**France:** And not in a good way XD 

**Romano:** YOU DISGUSTING PIG  
  
 **Romano:** YOU FUCKSTICK  
  
 **Romano:** YOU NASTY DEPORALBLE FIENDISH DICKWAFFLE  
  
 **Romano:** I’LL KILL YOU  
  
 **Romano:** I’LL KILL ALL YOU BASTARDS  
 **  
****Romano:** AND YOU, FRANCE, ARE THE FIRST ON MY SHIT LIST

  
 **  
****France:** Ugh, no thanks, I’m not into that 

**Romano:** AHHHHHHHH HCUHKFUGLKFDXCVBKJGFDGFCHGVJBJKYXCHGVJBK

**Spain has entered the chatroom**

  
  
**Spain:** Yo, sorry to interrupt

 **Spain:** But Romano seems a bit heated

 **Spain:** I’m gonna put him in time out! :D

**Romano:** FUCK YOU SPAIN! YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!!

**France:** Wait! Spain!

 **France:** Will you vote in favor of the orgy?

**Spain:** Pffft, do what you want. I don’t care lololol

**Romano has left the chatroom**

**Spain has left the chatroom**

**America:** … do what you want? Like, whatever you want??? 

**America:** Like, let France blow you while you’re sleeping?????   
  
**America:** cuz… that sounds kinda boring

  
  
 **France:** For once, I agree with you stupid America

  
  
 **England:** …. Why do I even bother? 

**Germany:** Welcome to my world 

**Italy:** Being blown on while sleeping sounds really uncomfortable. I’m really ticklish >.<

  
  
 **Germany:** OKAY CHANGE OF SUBJECT 

**Canada:** Okay, can we go back to addressing how to handle COVID…?

  
  
 **America:** Hey guys, I think we should go back to discussing how to handle COVID!!!

**England:** For once, you bring up a good point, America.

**Canada:** But...that was my idea….

**America:** What can I say? I’m a genius!

**Canada:** ...but….

**America:** That’s why I’M THE HERO!!!!!

**Canada:** It was MY idea!!!!

 **Canada:** NOTICE ME SENPAI!!!!!!

**America:** Oh shit!

 **America:** Guys, did you hear something?

**England:** *sigh* America, this is a fucking group chat. 

**England:** No we didn’t hear whatever the hell you’re hearing over there!

**Canada:** T_T

**Japan:** I don’t know…. I feel like America is on to something…. Like someone is here…. With us …. 

**America:** RIGHT?!?!?

  
  
 **Germany:** Now that you mention it… 

**France:** Yes, I seem to recall someone else giving their two cents 

**Italy:** But Spain and Brother Romano left the chat room already!  
  
 **Italy:** Greece, was it you???

  
 **  
****Greece:** Nope, I’m just lurking  
 **  
****Greece:** Waiting on that orgy date

  
  
 **France:** *sighs dreamily* A man after my own heart! <3

  
 **  
****England:** Good! Maybe you two will get married and leave me THE FUCK ALONE!!! :P

**America:** Duuuuuuude, we’re soooo onto you lololol

**England:** I beg your pardon?

  
  
 **America:** _( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_

**America:** England, my man, my boy, ol’ Daddi-O…. You have the hots for France!

  
  
 **England:** O.O

  
  
 **France:** O.O

  
  
 **England:** NO I DO NOT

  
  
 **France:** NO HE DOES NOT

  
  
 **England:** SHUT UP YOU NUDIST TRUFFLE-SNUFFLING PIG

  
 **  
****France:** SHUT UP YOU SMELLY PRUDISH BORING SWINE

  
 **  
****Germany:** …….. *long-beleagured sigh* 

**Canada:** It’s....kinda tru do

**Italy:** :D OMG ARE WE HAVING A WEDDING?!?!?!?

 **Italy:** I’LL COOK THE PASTA!!!!!

  
  
 **Japan:** Oh, congratulations, England and France. ^_^ 

**England:** WE ARE NOT GETTING MARRIED!!!!!

  
  
 **America:** Lol, sure, I’ve seen the movies. The bickering couple ALWAYS fights non-stop

 **America:** Until the underlying sexual tension boils over and they make out in the end and bang spectacularly and get married!

 **America:** Works like a charm!

  
  
 **France:**...

  
  
 **England:**...

  
  
 **France:** …. Methinks I smell a freak in the sheets, if you know what I mean…. 

**Italy:** Awww, I want to see your wedding! D: I have all kinds of delicious pasta recipes to prepare! :D

 **Italy:** And I think America is right about the bickering couple thingy cuz Mamas and Papas always fight like crazy before making sweet sweet love

**Canada:**...no one notices me T_T

**Canada has left the chatroom**

  
**  
****Germany:** HOW ARE YOU SO KNOWLEDGEABLE ABOUT THESE THINGS WHILE AT THE SAME TIME SUCH A FUCKING DUMMKOPF?!?!?!?!!?! 

**Japan:** I think Italy is what my country would call “gap moe” 

**Russia:** Weddingg??? oooooh i’ll brrinng thee VODKAAAAAAA!!!!! :D

**Germany:** Uhhhhh

**America:** R-russia…? Buddy?

 **America:** You doing okay? 

**Russia:** im’s is goooooooodddd!!!

  
  
 **Italy:** Wow, Russia really needs to work on his spelling! :O

**Germany** : *mutters* More like his drinking problem…

**Russia:** I DOn’t habe a probblemm, I can stoop any tiimmee I wannt toooo

**England:** Do NOT step on Russia’s toes, Germany and Italy, you fools! 

**France:** Vodka is so crude. Wine is the way to go. #classyforever 

**Russia:** WINNE IS FOR PUSSSSIESSS!!!!!

**England:** France, you too!

 **England:** I swear to God, you’ll get us all killed!!!!

 **England:** Russia, you’re fine! You don’t have a drinking problem!

**Russia:** I DO NOTTT HAV A PROblEM!!! STOP SAYYYING THAT!!! I”LL BOMB YOU AL!!!!

**America:** Great going, England.

**France:** Yeah, great going England!

**England:** FUCK you guys! I was the one trying to stop this!

**Russia:** Hey guys, this is Belarus.

 **Russia:** Russia’s had a bit too much to drink

 **Russia:** So I’m going to go lay him down now

 **Russia:** And he will be MINE!!!!!!

**Ru** **ssia has left the chatroom**

**England:**...  
  


 **France:** ...

**America:**...

  
  
 **Germany:**...

**Italy:**...

**Japan:**...

**Italy:** Sooooo onto the wedding plans? :D :D

  
  
 **England:** ABSOLUTELY NOT

  
  
 **France:** AGREED

  
  
 **Greece:** Why aren’t we having an orgy already? D: D:

  
  
 **England:** What the actual fuck Greece  
  
 **England:** Why are you so horny?!  
  
 **England:** …. Wait don’t answer that 

**England:** So. Many. Horrible. Images. In. My. Mind.

  
 **  
****France:** Oh sweet summer child, England, don’t you know that it was the Ancient Greek pantheon that inspired my irresistible charms and methods in the boudoir? :3 

**England:** OH FUCK YOU GREECE

  
  
 **Greece:** Yes, that seems to be the idea we’re going for 

**America:** Is it just me, or do y’all need some privacy?

  
  
 **Japan:** I agree with America. This conversation is getting wildly out of hand \\\\\>.<\\\\\ 

**America:** Dude, are you blushing?!  
  


 **Japan:** Uh um, well, the thing is >.<” 

**Japan:** It is not, ah, a custom in my country to so openly discuss such depravity in a chat room like this …. 

**America:** Dude, that kind of suppression can NOT be good for you, man! :O Lemme lend you some of my magazines!

  
  
 **England:** Pfffffft XDDD

  
 **  
****France:** Oh America :)

 **France:** Sweet, sweet, dumb little America <3

 **France:** Aww, England, stupid as you are, I can see why you have a soft spot for this dumbass. He’s so blind! 

**England:** Yes :’) He is still my baby boy 

**America:**?????????????

  
  
 **Japan:** O.O

  
  
 **France:** America, America… didn’t you know that Japan is one of the world’s LEADING producers in the porn industry? 

**Japan:** *squeaks* 

**America:** O.O  
 **  
****America:** wut 

**America:** [insert “the WHAT” gif]

**France:** :) 

**France:** Ohhhh my dear child 

**Japan:** DON’T 

**France** : Prepare yourself 

**Japan:** PLEASE

  
  
 **France:** For a whole new world 

**Japan:** PLEASE I YIELD I YIELD JUST DON’T DO IT 

**America:**???? okay now I’m curious 

**Germany:** Sorry, had to step away for a moment to get a snack. What are you idiots up to now? 

**France:** [image upload]

**Japan:** Oh my God 

**Japan:** WHY ARE YOU SHOWING THEM THAT??? T_T

**System: Image has been removed due to graphic content**

**Italy:** Hi, Germany! We’re learning about Japan’s business!  
  
 **Italy:** I didn’t know he owned an octopus! He’s so cute! :D :D 

**Germany:** JHBVUKHDRFGKILOYTFGHYRCVHBKJHHFCGVJBK

**England:** OH SHIT 

**England:** FRANCE YOU IDIOT 

**England:** YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST TOLD AMERICA  
  
 **England:** NOT SHOWED IT 

**England:** MY EYES

  
  
 **America:** …. 

**America:** is it wrong that I found it hot? 

**England:** DUDE

  
  
 **France:** DUDE

  
  
 **Germany:** DUDE

  
  
 **Italy:** I thought octopuses would be cold because they’re in water?

  
  
 **Germany:** ITALY, GO RUN LAPS

  
  
 **Italy:** Ehhhhhh?!?!?!?!

  
  
 **Germany:** YOU HEARD ME, YOU DUMMKOPF

  
  
 **Italy:** Awwww, but I wanted to see if I could buy a pet octopus! :’(

  
  
 **Japan:** LEAVE NOW

  
  
 **Italy:** *sigh* Okay, I will try my best. ^.^ Laters! <3 

**Italy has left the chatroom**

**America:** Dude, there was no reason to kick out Italy! He’s a cool bro!

  
  
 **Germany:** YOU 

**Germany:** ARE 

**Germany:** SICK 

**Germany:** BOTH YOU AND JAPAN

**France:** Never thought I’d say this but damn… America and Japan, the unexpected ship! 

**France:** You two could crop up some kiiiiiinkkkkyyyy shit. *chef’s kiss* 

**Japan:** WHY AREN’T YOU HATING ON FRANCE, GERMANY???

**Germany:** BECAUSE HE’S OPEN ABOUT HIS DEVIANCE

 **Germany:** BUT YOU  
  
 **Germany:** YOU OH SO POLITE INNOCENT AND SHY JAPAN  
  
 **Germany:** YOU’RE PRODUCING THIS …. THIS….. 

**France:** Sexiness? 

**Germany:** SHUT UP YOU

  
  
 **England:** *rocking back and forth, muttering to self* 

**England:** So. Many. Images. In. My. Mind. Oh. My. God. 

**Greece:** That was tame, idk what you’re so freaked out about O.o

**France:** Greece, my man, we should hang out sometime! ;--) 

**America:** Look! It had a hot anime girl with big tits! How am I NOT supposed to find it hot?!?!? 

**England:** SHE WAS BEING VIOLATED WITH TENTACLES YOU SICK FUCK

**America:** Yeah but…. titties 

**France:** Aw, mon ami… such a beautiful kinky ship… so many possibilities in the boudoir… 

**Japan:** Please stop 

**England:** Yes, well, that’s what the GIRL WAS SAYING TOO IN THAT PHOTO!!!

**Japan:** …..

 **Japan:** …. touche 

**America:** What part of ‘big tits’ are y’all not getting?!?! 

**England:** WHAT PART OF ‘BEING VIOLATED’ ARE YOU NOT GETTING?!?!?!

  
  
 **Japan:** Guys, GUYS PLEASE THIS IS NOT THE TOPIC AT HAND 

**Japan:** We’re supposed to be talking about COVID!!! 

**Japan:** China, you’ve been quiet this whole time! Where are you??? 

**Japan:** China, what do you think about COVID?!?!?!

**China:** ….

 **China:** [insert The Lion King gif of Scar: “I’m surrounded by idiots.”]

 **China:** That is all. 

**China has left the chatroom**

* * *

_Meanwhile, in the Neutral Territory of Switzerland:_

The sun was shining down on the green knolls of the beautiful Swiss mountains. A soft wind blew across the blades of grass. The mountains formed a large bowl around the little town below, cushioning them from any terrible storms or nasty bad behaviors. It was comfortable, warm but not overtly so, and it was paradise. 

Two people had spread out a picnic blanket on one of the hills overlooking the valley. A boy was reading a book, a girl was munching on an apple. 

“Hey, onii-chan?” 

“Hmm?”

“It is a beautiful day, isn’t it?”

“Mmmm.”

And together, Switzerland and Lichtenstein continued to stare quietly and contentedly up at the free, neutral, peaceful sky. 

~~~

_Later that day:_

Dial tone. Dial tone. Click. An exasperated sigh. 

“Yes?” 

“Um, say, Switzerland?”

“What do you want, Austria?”

“Well… Germany keeps texting me like mad, saying you won’t pick up your phone. Seems that the World Leadership Chat Room has gone off the deep end and they need someone level-headed to join in and keep things focused on the COVID crisis. I’ll go, but only if you log on, too!” 

“... No thanks.” Click. Switzerland. Hung up. On him.

Austria stared down at his cell, trembling with rage and fear. “Eh?! But what am I supposed to tell Germany?!” 

“I’ll handle it! I’ll beat those idiots senseless!” 

“Hungary, my dear, I think physical violence defeats the point of quarantine--”

“WATCH ME.” Hungary sat down with a huff on Austria’s computer, and started to type in a sporadic, angry fashion: “You… are …. all ….. idiots… and… if … COVID… gets to… you… well, then…. SUCKS TO BE YOU!!!” She cackled maniacally and dramatically hit “enter” before flouncing out of the room. 

“AHHHHH!!” Austria shrieked, breaking out of his shock, leaping to the computer’s spinning chair, staring with horror at what Hungary had just typed out under _his_ name in the chat room! 

**Germany:** SAY THAT TO MY FACE, YOU PRISSY COWARD!!!!

  
  
 **Austria:** IT WAS NOT ME, I SWEAR, IT WAS HUNGARY 

**Germany:** YOU BETTER NOT BE LYING OR I’LL POUND YOUR FACE INTO CORNMEAL

  
  
 **America:** Well, it’s a good thing _I’ve_ got Covid handled already, hahaha!

**Germany:**...

**Austria:**...

**France:**...

**Italy:**...

**Greece:**...

**Japan:**...

**England:** … keep… keep telling yourself that, America… *sigh* >.>”

**Author's Note:**

> Poor Canada though! We notice you!!! <3


End file.
